12 Tips For Parents: Talking To Your Kids About Sex

You've just found out your son or daughter is getting sex education at public school and you want to give them the Islamic perspective on it.

Or your kids have started asking the “where do babies come from” question.

But you just can't get over your tongue-tying embarrassment. Imagine! If your father or mother, back in Cairo or Karachi, heard of this they'd be stunned and question your parenting skills!

Here are some tips that can help you talk to your kids about the “s” word.

Tip #1: Start Early

Ideally sex education is not provided to kids in a reactionary fashion. Rather, it's given from the beginning in an indirect manner.

This means the child has to have a strong sense of identity and an understanding of what his or her values are.

“Parents are going to have sit down and explain their values to their own children. And this needs to start young, before the society influences them,” says Marilyn Morris, a Christian, who is president and founder of Aim for Success. The organization promotes abstinence from sex through speeches and presentations to students in grades six to 12. The group is one of the largest providers of abstinence education in the United States.

She says it is also important to explain to kids why you hold those values. For example, why do you not approve of sex outside of marriage, whether this is for religious and/or health reasons.

Tip #2: Give the child age-appropriate sex education

Starting to teach different topics at the right age is also important.

For example, a boy of eight may notice his mom does not pray some time during the month and may ask why. At this point, it can simply be said this is a time when Allah has excused women from praying. At the age of 12 or 13, a parent can introduce the topic of menstruation, and by that point, he will be able to make the connection.

Another way topics of a sexual nature can be introduced is while the child is reading the Quran. When the child reads verses about sexual intercourse, menstruation, or homosexuality, for example, this can be explained in a matter-of-fact manner.

Sex can also be discussed in the context of cleanliness in Islam at a certain age. For example, by the age of six or seven, a child must know how to clean him or herself after using the toilet.

After this at about eleven or twelve, the issue of Ghusl can be raised and when it is necessary (i.e. after sexual intercourse, after menstruation, etc).

As well, parents should sit with their children individually, not all together to explain various age-appropriate topics related to sex.

Some of the topics to talk about include modesty, decency, conduct and behavior .

But these should not be presented as just a bunch of rules to be followed. Rather the wisdom behind, for example, the Islamic dress code and lowering the gaze for both sexes should be explained.

Tip #3: Parents should build a good relationship with their kids
Proper sex education can only be given if the correct messages are being sent explicitly and implicitly by parents.

There has to be openness, not a rigid and dogmatic atmosphere at home.

“I'm talking about a loving relationship at home between the parents,” says Khadija Haffajee an Islamic activist and a retired school teacher from the Ottawa-Carleton region of Canada. She has spent about 30 years working in the public school system. “That there's love between the parents, there's affection. They [the kids] can see this, how they talk to each other, the respect that's there.”

Tip #4: Be an example

This goes hand in hand with being a role model, which is the best way to teach and transmit values to children.

That means not only should children be exposed to a healthy male-female relationship when they see their parents. It also means parents do not engage in activities which undermine their views on sexuality.

For instance, “being careful themselves about what they watch on T.V. or what movies they go to see, “ is crucial says Morris “because that ‘s a bad influence on us at any age. And if our children see us doing it why shouldn't they as well?”

This also means setting an example in other aspects of life by following the same rules you expect your kids to follow. For example, if you're running late, call children and let them know, show them the same courtesy you expect from them, explains Morris.

Tip #5: Meet with others who share your values

It is necessary for children to not just see the embodiment of Islamic values at home. They must also experience this in contacts with other Muslim children and families, says Haffajee.

They must see that family life the Islamic way is not just something their own family practices, but it's something others do as well.

This makes it more “normal” for the child, who in public school may have friends or acquaintances with homosexual parents (two mommies or two daddies), parents who are having sex outside of marriage (mom's boyfriend, dad's girlfriend) or other types of unacceptable relationships.

Tip #6: Get involved with your children's school
Depending on a parent's schedule, this can mean different things. Most of the time, public schools encourage parents' active participation through channels like Parent and Teachers' Associations (PTAs) or as elected school board members.

Haffajee explains that more and more schools will be decentralized and will have more power at the PTA level, for instance. Another forum for involvement is running in school board elections. School boards run all the schools in one district.

But if this is too much of a commitment for you as a parent, at least be in contact with your child's teacher, and let her/him know not just about problems, but good things he or she is doing for your child as well.

”We have to build these links, not feel it's them and us,” adds Haffajee.

Volunteering and helping at the school is also an option. This differs in each school. Some may have a lunchroom program with parents as monitors, for instance, which requires only a few hours a week.

Regular participation in such school organizations and activities gives you a voice as a parent to express your views about what's going on in the school system as it affects your child, as well as others' children.

It is important to add that this involvement should not come only when the school has done something you, as a parent, feel has violated your child's needs as a Muslim, or when you want something specifically for your child (i.e. time off for Eid, Juma, etc.).

By participating at the long-term level, your voice is more likely to be heard because you're involved in making the school better generally, not just for your child's interest only.

When it comes time for sex education, you can band together with other parents, Muslim and non-Muslim, who share the same views on the topic, and it is more likely you will be listened to.

“There are a lot of non-Muslim parents who are concerned about these issues and feel as if there is no control,” notes Haffajee.

Tip #7: Know the sex education territory
“There should be talk about what kind of information they're getting, preadolescent education,” says Haffajee.

Launching a three hour tirade against the evils of public school sex education will do little good in helping your son or daughter see what's wrong with it. This is why it is necessary to find out what is included in the sex education curriculum.

“They should find out exactly what the school is teaching, to the point of even sitting with the person doing the education and finding out about the values of that person,” says Morris. “This is a very important issue”

Tip #8: Know the Islamic perspective on sex

There is more to sex education than telling your son or daughter “don't do it until you get married”.

Topics like menstruation, sexual changes in adolescents, Islamic purity after various types of uncleanliness associated with sex also have to be discussed.

If you're not sure, get some help from a knowledgeable Muslim or Imam, as well as a guide for parents (see the review for the book Miracle Of Life.

Be capable of providing exact references from the Quran, Sunnah and valid Islamic authorities on relevant topics (i.e. birth control, boy/girl relationships, etc.).

On the same note, if in the course of your conversation your child asks you something and you are not sure about whether it really is Islamic or not, CHECK IT OUT. Assuming that a cultural practice relating to sex or boy/girl relationships is automatically Islamic is a mistake.

Tip #9: Tell your kids you're available to talk to them about sex

This is necessary, especially if sex has been a taboo subject in the household for so long.

“Parents [should] say to their children “I want to be your primary source of information about sex,” says Morris.

This makes it clear that while your child may be getting information about sex from other sources like television, the movies, school and friends, you are the “authoritative source”.

This is done best when discussed at a younger age, rather than waiting for the teen years when rebelliousness usually kicks in and kids are less likely to listen to parents.

Tip #10: Express your nervousness

It will be hard to talk about sex for many parents. But they should not hide this from their kids.

Morris recommends parents say, “If I sound nervous or uncomfortable just bear with me,” in the course of their conversation.

This stresses the seriousness of the topic and the importance of what you want to say. The fact that this is so difficult for you, yet you are going forward with it emphasizes your child's need to listen.

Tip #11: Withdraw your child from sex education but tell them why

There are public schools where sex education is an option, and a child can be exempted from it.

Haffajee says there are parents, Muslim and non-Muslim who have decided to choose this instead of having their kids sit through public school sex education.
But if you do decide to do this, she advises it is important to clearly explain to your child why this is being done, and to ensure that s/he is being provided with Islamic sex education in the home.

Otherwise, your child may see it as being excluded from an activity with his or her friends.

Tip #12: Get help from others

If you feel extremely uncomfortable talking to your kids about it, enlist the help of a knowledgeable and open Imam or community member who is of the same gender as your child, to explain the details and provide the guidance.

Other people can be Islamic weekend school teachers, a Muslim social worker, or a trusted family member like an aunt, uncle or cousin.

Also, get some books for your kids that discuss sex from an Islamic perspective. Miracle of Life or Ahmad Sakr's The Adolescent Life are some examples.

However, getting someone else to talk to them or giving them a book is not the end of the story. As a parent, you have to be ready and open to at least hear Ameer or Jamila's concerns or questions about sex, so you can direct them to the right person or information if you are uncomfortable answering yourself.

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Please share your ideas, suggestions, and experience in the area of sex education with others in our discussion forum: Sex Education.

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Influencing the Behaviour of Muslim Youth and Their Parents

by Shahid Athar , M. D.

The purpose of this article is to evaluate the factors influencing the behavior of children and how to modify them so that they grow as model citizens practicing Islam in their community, become a source of joy and comfort to their parents, and maintain family harmony. The behavior of growing children is influenced by many factors that include their parents and other close relatives, teachers, peers at school, community and the media. Lack of discipline and civilized behavior at school is a major problem in the U.S., the fallout of which is also seen at home! With broken families and the absence of a father at home, this becomes a major problem for single mothers raising a teenager. Muslim children, although distinct in their value system, still are exposed to and affected by what they see and learn. In Islamic teachings, great emphasis has been placed on moral conduct and behavior. The Quran says, "Lo, the noblest of you, in the sight of God, is (the one) best in conduct. Lo, God is knower, Aware" (49:13). "By the soul, and the proportion and order given to it, and its enlightenment as to its wrong, and its right. Truly he succeeds that purifies it (the soul), and he fails that corrupts it" (91:7-10). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said, "I have been sent to perfect your conduct" (Bukhari and Muslim). "A fathers' teaching his child good manners is better than giving a bushel of grain (in charity)" (Bukhari). Children are very susceptible to any and every influence. It has been said, "They are like molten cement. Anything that falls on them makes a lasting impression." Their minds are like virgin soil, ready to accept any seed. As they grow, their organs of reception start working and accept new ideas and influences. It is up to us to screen the experiential factors that influence a child's development so that they can learn to accept the right ideas and behaviors and reject the wrong influences. The parents (and close relatives living with them like uncles and grandparents) have only 25% influence in a 6-16 year old child. 50% is by peers at school or in the community. 25% is from the teachers and other sources of education outside home i.e. media, mainly TV (and magazines for older youths). The influence of parents is high during early age (0-8 years, up to 80%), but as the child discovers new friends and ideas, he or she grows independent from the influence of parents. The American scene The American scene of the behavior of children and adults is changing. While it is difficult to qualify the behavior at home, the same at school has been published. What is happening in our homes is reflective of what's happening outside homes and vice versa According to a study conducted by Fullerton California Police Department of Education,l the leading school discipline problem in 1940 was talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the hallways, getting out of place in line, wearing improper clothing and not putting paper in the wastebasket, etc. In 1980 the major problems were drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery, assault, burglary, arson, and bombing. The Indianapolis public schools conducted a behavior discipline survey.2 It reported the following activities in the hall: Grabbing 69%, pushing 84%, hitting 82%, kicking 48%, slapping 57%, pinching 66%, fighting 78% and tripping 62%. There is also a high percentage of physical violence by teacher against student (22%) and by student against teacher (42%). We leave our children at school in such an environment for 30-40 hours per week and then expect them to develop into angels. While the parents can do little to affect other influences, some suggestions can be made in this regard. PEERS Keep children in the company of good Muslim children after school and during weekends to dilute the unavoidable influence of undesirable elements at school. SCHOOL Choose a school in a good location (neighborhood) irrespective of it being private or public. Get to know the teachers personally and interact with them. Only the neglected children create wrong impression at school and expose themselves to various abuses. Supervise their homework. MEDIA Watch TV with your children, and select good educational and entertainment programs. Comment on the negative aspects of the program. Cut down the TV hour to less than 1 1/2 hours on weekdays and 2 1/2 hours on weekends. Do not buy rock music tapes (out of love for your child) nor allow him/her to listen to any hard rock. Encourage outdoor activity in preference to indoor (e.g. TV/music). Encourage them to read newspapers, good magazines (National Geographic) and Islamic periodicals. Role of parents in influencing the behaviour of their children As I have said many times, "Children will become what we want them to be if we are what we want them to be." Children cannot be expected to practice Islam by sending them to Sunday school if we are not doing that ourselves in our day to day life. If we want them to get up early in the morning to perform the prescribed prayer, we have to do it ourselves and ask them to join us. If we want them to read the Quran, we should read with them and so on. LOVE Growing children may not take an order, but will do things out of love and respect for their parents. So love and respect on a mutual basis is our best weapon against all the negative influences on them. Parental love should be unconditional and on biological grounds rather than on their achievements at school or in sports. Love should not be confused with unlimited permissiveness or with closed eyes towards a child's faults. Criticizing certain faults of the child should not diminish the love by the parents. INFORMATION Children are not bom knowing everything right or wrong in social norms. They need clear guidelines about good and bad behavior, Islamic and un-Islamic way of life. The greatest effect is of the parent's attitude and example rather than the words in a book. If children see their parents not practicing what they themselves are told to practice they become rebellious and non-believers (in the value system). A typical example is of alcoholism in the American scene. Children are told it is bad for you until you are 18, while it is not bad for the parents. Therefore children seeing this as hypocrisy, rebel and get alcohol, not from a liquor store, but from their own home or from a friend at parties. Therefore, parents should set the same standards for themselves as they set for their children, and share with them information of all kinds whether related to the outside world or inside the family. It is not the knowledge which hurts, but the lack of it or misuse of it which causes problems. DECISIONS Parents should help children make appropriate decisions and be responsible for their decisions. Younger children can only make decisions about the present (i.e. what clothes to wear that day), but grown-ups can make decisions that may affect their future, under parental guidance (i.e. selection of career, school and hobbies). Children left to grow on their own, will regret a lack of direction they had in their childhood. Children should be taught how to be responsible by being given the chance to share household work, keep their desk and room clean and how to handle their "own" money. Let them spend all their money and suffer from the lack of it. A sense of deprivation once in awhile is good for them as long as the reason for deprivation is explained well. Problems with parents If the parents are authoritarian, the child becomes fearful of making mistakes, starts lying for the fear of being punished and feels insecure. Unfortunately, abused children become abusers when they grow up. The parent should remember that the only absolute authority in the house is the Will of God, and everyone has to submit to His Will, in order to expect submission from a younger person. If the parents are emotionally disturbed and depressed themselves they will not have time for the children, leading them to withdraw, become depressed or develop anti-social activities. If the parents are perfectionists and expect the child to be perfect all the time, the child will have two options. Either he or she will live up to the expectations, or will develop opposite tendencies, i.e. a teenager keeping his or her room messy to get back at the "ever cleaning" mom. Parents should not make "all" the choices for their children, but help in their individual growth. The over-protective, anxious parent cannot raise a confident child ready to deal with the real life. This child will feel danger everywhere. While the child has to be supervised, he or she does not need the physical presence of the parent at all time. They should raise a strong child, strong enough to carry on their work if they meet a sudden death themselves. The parent who cannot say no to a child, spoils him or her by providing him or her with every wish every time. This child will demand whatever he or she wants immediately and put on a manipulative show to get it. One parent complained how their five year old will stop breathing until she got what she wanted. The parents have to learn to control their love and discipline themselves in order to discipline their children The child's necessary desires should be met according to the means of the family, but a time may come when a firm no should be put into practice. Parents who take sides in sibling rivalry encourage jealousy and hate. They should not prefer boys over girls or the reverse and fair complexion over dark ones, bright ones over less bright, but try to be fair to all of them and neutral in their fights. How parents can communicate with their children Neither party can influence the other unless they communicate. This is a serious problem in American families. One father told me that at best all his teenage daughter would say to him would be "Hi" one or two times a day. This can be substituted by a "peace be upon you," (as-salam alaykum) in a Muslim family in which parents and teenagers are not getting along well. One should avoid getting into this stage of strained communication. Find a time and place to talk to your children. Children are sometimes in a "bad mood" upon returning from school, loaded with home work, as are parents in the afternoon with a busy day at work. The best time to have a chat is during breakfast and evening dinner together. Better than this is allotting ten minutes after either the evening or night prescribed prayer or even better, after the dawn prescribed prayer, if time pemits. During this session, the parent can inform the children of all the good things they did that day and ask the children the same and share their problems. When you do argue, do it patiently, one person speaking at a time. Be specific and separate emotions from facts. Speak in a low voice. Screaming decreases the intake of the message. Finding fault may make you look like a winner, but remember, just as we want God to forget and forgive our faults, we should do the same for others. Practice active listening to each other's view, even if you don't agree. For religious issues consult the Quran or the Traditions together, rather than quoting from your memory. Refrain from sarcasm, name calling, humiliation, pointing your finger, etc. Read God's injunction about these again and again in Surah Al-Hujurat (49th Surah). Encourage each other even in areas of shortcomings, rather than making fun or making a negative remark. If your child brings a B report, then instead of, "I doubt you will ever improve or pass your exam," say "A 'B' is better than a 'C', and I am sure you are talented enough to do better. Perhaps I can help you in the areas that you have difficulties at school?" Influencing the behaviour through daily household chores The purpose of giving them some chores, is to keep them busy as well as teach them some responsibility. Initially it may be boring, but it will eventually become routine. The assignment should be according to age (and not the sex of the child) and should include setting the table to begin with, then washing dishes, laundry, taking out the garbage or just helping in the garden. However, children should not be forced into doing things, otherwise they will rebel. By the same token, they should not be penalized for mistakes. The best payment for a job is a smile, hug, thank you or praising the child to others, rather than money. While it may be all right to give an allowance, it should not be tied to the job. Otherwise the child will want money for everything. An eleven year old told his mom, "You need to know only three things about kids. Don't hit them too much, don't yell at them too much, and don't do too much for them." How about infants and pre-schoolers? While studies mainly refer to children ages 6-16 years, the small ones should not be neglected. In fact, in the first year of life, it is the behavior of the parent (especially the mother) which is so crucial and has nearly 90 percent influence. Then, as the child grows, identification with the parent of the same sex may make the influence of that parent more important. The boys watch their father more closely doing mechanical work and girls observe moms carefully doing household work. Sometimes it may be reversed. It is at this time that parents can inject love and respect into children by their example of mutual love and respect for each other and for the children. It is also at this age that doing things together including playing, watching TV, reading, etc. will help establish the foundations (trust, self-confidence, ability, etc.) of open communication. In terms of practice of religion, it comes from observing their parents and doing the practices together. If nice manners are programmed into them before they are introduced to the general population, it is doubtful they would get the infection of misbehavior. Bill of rights for Muslim children Muslim children have the right to learn and practice Islam even if one of their parents is a non-Muslim, or non-practicing Muslim. They have a right to be treated as a person, in an environment that is conducive to their growth and maturity and to become useful citizens. They have a right to receive love, care, discipline, and protection from their parents. They have a right to receive education, and financial protection for the future. Bill of rights for Muslim parents Parents have a right to receive love, respect and affection from their children as mentioned in the Quran. Parents have a right to educate and discipline their children as men- tioned in the Quran and shown by the example of Prophet Muhammad [PBUH] Parents have a right to know more about their children, and moni- tor other influences affecting them. Parents have a right to say no to unusual financial and other demands of children. Finally, I end this article with a verse from the Quran. "Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them any word of contempt, nor repulse them, but address them in terms of honor, and out of kindness lower to them your wings of submission, and say, 'My Lord, have mercy on them as they cared for me in my childhood"' References:  http://www.islamawareness.net/Parenting/parenting_article004.html

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Mistakes Committed by Parents: Raising Children in the West

by Dr. Ahmad Shafaat (1986)

In bringing up our children, whether in the West or anywhere else, our goal should evidently be to help them get the best in this world and the best in the hereafter - success and happiness in this life and salvation and paradise in the hereafter. This means that we should help our children successfully pursue necessary study and/or training leading to a profession and also to provide them whatever they need to become good Muslims. Being a good Muslim is not only needed for salvation and paradise but it is also helpful in this world. Good, clean, habits, discipline and a sense of responsibility that Islam inculcates can greatly help children in their studies, and later on, in the successful practice of their profession while faith and trust in God that Islam teaches can add happiness and peace to their success in life. To help children become good Muslims two things are essential:1) A good parent-child relationship 2) Parents' strong Muslim identity In a Muslim society these two things are generally sufficient; if a good parent-child relationship exists, so that the children do not develop any emotions rejecting what their parents stand for, then the Muslim identity of the parents, if it is sufficiently strong, naturally passes on to the children. However, in the western world, the above mentioned things are usually not enough, since the Muslim identity of parents as well as children comes under many powerful pressures which an average family cannot withstand alone. In the West, therefore, a third factor is needed: 3) The cooperation of an organized, united and dynamic Muslim community.Let us look at these three factors in a little more detail. Parent-child relationship A good parent-child relationship consists of love and respect between parents and children. To establish this relationship is the sole responsibility of the parents and they can do so by giving their children unconditional love, which then generates in children love, respect and obedience for the parents. This natural process is disturbed and the parent-child relationship starts running into problems if parents cannot or do not give sufficient love to the children. It is often believed that parents always love their children. But this idea, though it has the support of a Hadith (see note), is in conflict with the Holy Qur'an and observed facts. The Holy Qur'an mentions those pagan Arabs who used to bury their female children alive: "When the female infant buried alive is questioned - for what crime she was killed? " (81:8-9) This is a recognition that parents can do zulm (injustice, cruelty) to their children and that they will be answerable for it on the day of judgment.Cruelty to children is not something that existed once upon a time among the Jahili (ignorant and pagan) Arabs. To a more or less degree it is a practice in all cultures. Even in modern "civilized" and prosperous North America hundreds of thousands of children are subjected each year to ruthless torture by their parents, many of whom, unlike the Jahili Arabs, are not in any kind of economic difficulty. These are no doubt extreme examples but they should destroy the myth that all parents have nothing but love for their children. Moving from extreme cases to normal cases, it can indeed be said that a vast majority of parents, especially Muslim parents do love their children. However, it is not certain that even normal parents give their children sufficient love. I would be inclined to think that most of them do not. In any case, it cannot but do good to once in a while admit the possibility that we as parents may not be giving enough love to our children. This admission would put parents in a far better position to establish a good relationship with their children than would be the case otherwise. At this point a word should be added about the nature of love. Love does not mean continuously pampering the children and giving in to all their wishes. Love is rather a deep concern for the well-being and happiness of the children which manifests itself in softness when softness is needed and in firmness when firmness is needed. It takes a lot of effort to be firm. Parents can make that effort only if they care enough for their children.In dealing with children try to avoid negative emotions. For example, if children are rude to you, and in the West children can be quite rude to their parents, do not ask them to clean their rooms, etc., in retaliation. Children are much more aware of their parents' real feelings than we may think. If parents have negative feelings of revengefulness towards them, they are likely to react negatively to what the parents are telling them. We should try to be consistent with our children. We should not, for example, stop them from something bad when we are angry and tolerate it when we are in a good mood. A good communication is also needed to establish a good parent-child relationship. If a child is not positively responding to what you are saying and this is happening again and again, then it is time not to get more and more mad and frustrated but to think and to talk to the child or otherwise find out what is going on in his or her mind.   Imparting muslim identityNow let us come to the all-important topic of imparting Islamic identity to our children in the West. In this connection the main requirement evidently is that parents themselves should have a strong Muslim identity. But their are additional important points to be kept in mind. In developing their Muslim identity we have to naturally impress upon our children that our ways are quite different from those of the rest of the western society. But this should not be done in such a way as to create hostility towards the western society as a whole. This can create emotional conflict in a child and it is also against Islam. The Holy Qur'an says of the people of the book that "they are not all alike" (3:113) and it praises some of their good qualities along with condemnation of what is wrong with them (5:85-87, 57:27, etc.). We must not therefore make a general condemnation of the western society as a whole but rather point out to them what is good in this society and what is bad. We should help them identify themselves with what is good here and to reject what is bad. For example, we should tell them: "Most Westerners believe in the Trinity and in the divinity of Jesus (may peace be upon him), which we reject totally. But there are many Westerners who believe in one God and the prophethood of Jesus (may peace be upon him) in much the same way as we do." "Most Westerners take alcohol and/or drugs, but many reject this practice, as we Muslims do." "Many Westerners are homosexuals or are willing to morally accept this deviation. But many others consider it immoral, just as we do." "Many Westerners are for abortion but almost as many are against it." Then we should point to the evidence of the harm of the things prohibited by Islam, e.g. death by accident, ruined lives, broken homes in case of alcohol/drugs, etc. and AIDS in case of homosexuality. Then it should also be pointed out to our youth that in some ways Western society is more Islamic than most Muslim societies. For example, here there is democracy and constitutionality which is more Islamic than the arbitrary rule of dictators and kings found in most Muslim lands. Also, there is generally less corruption (bribery, etc.) here than in some of the Muslim countries. Much self-criticism in the end will not weaken our children's Muslim identity but rather strengthen it. More-over, it will help some of them grow up to be reformers which we so badly need.In matters of details in which there are found differences among Muslims (e.g. how to pray, who should have been the leader of the Muslims after the death of the Prophet) we may tell our children what we think but without being too dogmatic about it. We should concentrate on inculcating love for God, the Prophet, Islam and Muslims and on teaching the basic and agreed upon beliefs and practices of Islam. For the rest we should take a more relaxed attitude. This would not only help Muslim unity, but also increase our chances of success in bringing up our children as Muslims, since dogmatism in every matter can in the end drive our youth away from Islam.   The role of the communityAs we noted earlier, the work of bringing up children as Muslims in the western world is not easy. Most parents cannot manage it on their own. Therefore, a close cooperation is needed between parents and the community. The parents should, as part of this cooperation, take interest in community work and contribute to it whatever they can while the community, through its elected representatives, should provide the parents with all the facilities they need to educate their children in Islam and to make them comfortable with, and proud of, Islamic values and traditions.   Note: It is said the Prophet was once asked whether one should obey and honor one's parents even if they do zulm(injustice) on their children. The Prophet is alleged to have replied that parents cannot do zulm on their children. This Hadith must be rejected as false, since, as we said above, it conflicts with the book of God and observed facts. More-over, this Hadith seems incompatible with some other ahadith where the Prophet exhorts parents to treat their children well and spend on them, e.g. the following two ahadith: Joining together two of his fingers the Prophet said: "Whoever performs his prayers properly, spends on his children in spite of his modest means and does not speak ill of others will be in Paradise as close to me as these (two fingers of mine)."and "Whoever is given daughters and spends on them and treats them well - surely God will reward him in paradise." The very fact that such ahadith encourage parents to treat their children well means that parents may not always love their children enough, for otherwise such encouragement would not be needed. Daughters are specially the victims of parents' selfishness in many cultures, where for economic and social reasons many parents do not feel too happy to have daughters. First published in Al-Ummah, Montreal, Canada in 1986. Copyright Dr. Ahmad Shafaat. The article may be reproduced for Da'wah purpose with proper references.

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ABC of parenting

A lways trust your children to Allah’s care.

B ring them to the Masjids.

C hallenge them to high goals in deen.

D elight in their achievements “Masha`Allah”

E xalt Allah in their presence “Subhaan`Allah”

F rown on evil “ Astaghfirullah”

G ive them love and understanding

H ear their problems, be there for them.

I gnore not their childish fears, tell them Allah is Always there.

J oyfully accept their apologies, Allah is All Forgiving.

K eep their confidence.

L ive a good example before them, Islamic ettiquettes.

Make them your friends.

N ever ignore their endless questions!

O pen your heart to their love.

P ray for them by name, .May Allah make them the coolness of your eyes.

Quicken your interest in their spirituality, Dhikrullah (remberance of Allah)

Remember their needs, show mercy to them

Show them the way of Our Prophet Muhammad and his companions. (peace be upon them All)

T each them to appreciate every little in life. “Alhamdulillah”

U nderstand they are still young and Innocent. “Fitrah”

V erify your statements, speak clearly (Repeat it 3 times) like the way Prophet Muhammad {peace be upon him} used to.

Wean them from bad company.

X eXpect them to obey, Allah and their parents,

Y earn for Allah’s best for them.

Z ealously guide them in the Qur’aan and Sunnah.

http://www.islamicvoice.com/april.2004/young.htm#abc

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The Positive & Negative C's of Islamic Parenting

by Shahina Siddiqui

http://www.soundvision.com/Info/parenting/positiveandnegative.asp

One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for.

Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.

POSITIVE C'S

Compassion (Rehmat)

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) stated, "He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings".

It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them.

Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (Rehmat) — the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad when a Bedouin told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children.

Consultation (Shura)

The Prophet has related that Allah says "Oh My servant. I look on high handedness as something not permissible for myself, and I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other".

When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn to listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle of Shura.

Cooperation

This concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in Sura Al-Asr: "… counsel each other to the truth (Haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (Sabr)".

When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.

Commitment

It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet(s): "Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you" (Nisa). This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.

Communication

Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others.

So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not talking "to". This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children at an early age learn to tune out their parents.

When communication is a means to listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures.

It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humor when parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).

Consistency

Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgments, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.

Confidentiality

Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, parents often betray the trust of their children when they discuss their concerns, which they confide in them to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This may take them to find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.

Contentment (Tawakkul)

The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.

Confidence

It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.

Control

By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (Nafs).

Calm

By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our Taqwa (God consciousness) and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs.

Courage

Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our children true Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (Iman) flourishes and evolves towards Ihsan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to each other.

Critical Thinking

The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyze. However, very rarely do. Parents must encourage children to ask questions. Our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say "do it because I said so". This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.

Charitable

The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as Prophet Muhammad stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters". Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad stated, "Like for your brother what you like for yourself". So if husband and

wife expect respect from each other they should give respect.

A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.

NEGATIVE C'S

There are many negative C's, which should also be identified so that we can avoid them or at least be aware of them. As you will notice when you go through the whole exercise, the presence of one negative C cancels out a positive C.

Competition

In an authentic Hadith the Prophet Muhammad said: "Look up to one who is greater in piety so you strive to be like him and look upon one who is below you in material status so that you may be thankful to Allah's Grace".

As a Muslim community we are experiencing the opposite. We are literally killing ourselves to gain bigger and better material goods than others and passing this same competitive spirit to our children.

If Br. X's son is going to Yale, my son must go to Harvard otherwise he is a failure, no matter how good a Mumin (believer) he is in comparison to Br. X's son. We are inadvertently putting so much pressure on our children to compete in Dunya (this world) that we are actually hurting their self-esteem and pushing them away. Remember if children don't find acceptance of who they are and what they are capable of at home, they will find it elsewhere.

Comparison

Comparison is an outcome of negative competition it is cruel and breeds resentment and anger. Many parents compare their children to others and get in the habit of complaining. Grass always seems greener in the neighbor's yard, but closer inspection may reveal the opposite. None of us are perfect, and therefore we should stop looking for perfection in others.

Control

The negative aspect of control shows in the form of a controlling personality e.g. I am the boss so you do as I tell you. In extreme cases this need to control leads to abuse and neglect. Anger is also a weapon of a control freak. In most cases it is the father, however mothers also exhibit this trait.

Criticism

Constant, destructive criticism is a sign of dysfunctional parenting. Continuous put downs and verbal clashing destroys the tranquil atmosphere at home. The self-esteem of the recipients of this criticism is extremely low developing in them a victim mentality. They will either seek abusive relationships or turn their backs on their families. Many runaways come from such a family background.

Corruption

"If the truth was to follow their whims, the heaven and earth and all their inhabitants would be corrupt" (Quran part of 23:71).

Weak Nafs and diseases of the heart lead to poor character, which of course is the result of grudging submission and conditional faith. When we corrupt our Deen (religion) by picking and

choosing what we want, practicing what suits us best and resisting and outright opposing what does not suit our fancy, we pay an enormous price by losing ourselves to the Dunya, and driving our children away from Islam.

Confusion

Parents are confused about their identity and their values. They have not been able to develop a structure of right and wrong based on Quran and Hadith and as such when it comes to implementation give conflicting signals to their children.

We must as parents develop an Islamic frame of reference, which would serve to develop a Muslim conscience in our children and a basis for judgment. Sifting through our cultural baggage and increasing our knowledge can only achieve this.

Contempt

Contempt for others is a result of pride, arrogance, and conceit. We must discourage arrogance in children and be constantly vigilant about it as many Muslim youth are falling prey to this trait and developing contempt towards their parents. It is one thing to praise and quite another to set them up on a pedestal. We should always remember "knowledge is proud it knows so much — wisdom is humble it knows no more".

Consumerism

Consumption, a vice of this society, is creeping into Muslim communities. When wants become needs, and parents start compensating for their lack of time spent with their children with material gifts, we are perpetuating consumerism — anything can be bought. This, however, is not true. So many young people I counsel always say "I could do without this new computer if only my parents would spend more time with me".

The legacy of materialism survives generations since it caters to our baser self. Please watch out for it.

Contradiction

When there is contradiction in word and deed it is called hypocrisy. Children are very sensitive to this vice and can pick a hypocrite a mile away.

When we behave holier than thou in the Masjid but present a different side in other settings, we are giving our children the message it is okay to be a hypocrite.

Carelessness

As Prophet Muhammad reminded us in his last sermon "Shaytan cannot mislead us in major issues of Faith but in minor issues". This is where our carelessness and lack of diligence can lead to weak character.

Colonization

This is a mind set that many immigrant parents have passed down to their children — a sense of inferiority, a complex as such, that European and Western cultures are superior and better than that of their country of origin. This is a mentality that encourages imitation, following and serving rather than leadership.

There are many more positive and negative C's that I could discuss but perhaps it would be entertaining if families could sit together and see how many they can come up with, and perform a diagnostic test of their own families based on this humble contribution.

References: 

by Shahina Siddiqui

http://www.soundvision.com/Info/parenting/positiveandnegative.asp

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The Islamic Way to Raise the Children

(This is the text of a speech delivered by Imam Mohamed Baianonie at the Islamic Center of Raleigh on January 1, 1988)

Allah (S.W.T.) has entrusted parents with their children. Parents bear the responsibility to raise-up their children in the Islamic way. If they do that they will be blessed in this life and in the hereafter, and if they don't, they will get bad result during their life and in the hereafter. Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) said, "all of you are heads of a group and all of you are responsible for your groups; the ruler is the head of state and he is responsible for his people, the man is head of his family and responsible for his family, the woman is the head in her husband's house and she is responsible for the house. In short all of you are heads and responsible for your groups". The Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) did not excuse any one from responsibility that Allah has put on every individual to build the Islamic society: the ruler is responsible: the man and woman are responsible.... all within their capabilities, domains, and authorities..., and the loss of Islam from our Muslim Ummah these days is nothing but a result of the neglect of responsibility... Today, I want to talk about responsibility of men and women, fathers and mothers. This common responsibility, between the two, is to raise up, educate, and build the new generation in the correct method and the right way. Allah creates the children with pure innate nature, without defects and whatever defects that happens later on is the result of the bad education. Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) said, "Every new born has the correct instinct, his parents make him Jewish, Christian or a fire worshipper." Allah has put in every person the good tendencies and the bad tendencies, so choose and testing will be performed, so parents must encourage and grow the good tendencies in the child so he can become a useful person that helps himself and his people. Allah (S.W.T) said in surat Atahrim, verse 6, which is translated as, "O' you who believe, protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones." And the protection of yourself and your family from hell fire won't be with any thing but the good education, the practice of good morals, and the guidance to nobility. Islam does not distinguish between male and female with regard to the Education requirements. Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) said, ''whoever had a daughter, tutored her on good morals, educated her well and fed her properly; she will be a protection for him from hell fire." What do we mean by good education? The good education means the physical, mental and moral preparation of the child so he can become a good individual in the good society. (1of 3) The physical preparation: Includes the care for the child's body and his strength an through good feeding and following the correct methods in prevention and treatment of diseases. The mental preparation: Includes everything that comprises the formation of the correct mental thinking, the ability of good judgment and the profound thinking and inference; so the child can understand his surroundings, judge things and benefit from his and the others' experiences. The moral preparation: includes the instilling and neutering of the best morals; also the discouragement and correction of bad morals and behavior. For all the above there are methods and ways that help parents to reach their goal: Methods for physical preparation: 1. To make sure that the child is clean in his body, clothes, his surroundings and has a love of cleanliness in his life. 2. To make sure to feed the child from the good without excessive expenditure or stinginess. 3. To encourage the practice of sports such as running, swimming, shooting and riding, and their sports that make the body strong and active in a whole some atmosphere. Methods for mental preparation: 1. To teach reading and writing and to ensure a superiority in all kinds of knowledge and sciences. 2. To practice attentively looking at all creations and events around him which will enable his mental growth and give him the correct inference capabilities. 3. Touring or traveling in the land and pondering all the different marks and signs of Allah and the history of previous people and nations. Methods for moral preparation: 1. Showing the values of good deeds and their effects on the individuals and society; also showing the effects of bad deeds, all within the child's capability of understanding. 2. Parents should be a good example in their behavior because children like to imitate their parents in their sayings and their deeds. 3. Teaching the child the religious principles and tutoring him in worship, taking into account the child's capability of understanding. The Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) had said, "Order your children to pray at the age of seven." (2 of 3) 4. Treating children nicely and kindly; the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) taught us that practically. When he was praying as an Imam with the people, his grandson Al-hasan, son of his daughter Fatima, may Allah be pleased with, them rode his back while he was bowing, lengthened his bow. When he finished his prayer, some of the companions said, "You lengthened your bow? "Then the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) answered, "My grandson rode my back and I hate hastening him". 5. One of the important things that parents must teach their children to select the good company and the avoid the bad, because children are always influenced by their company. The bad behavior can be transmitted through bad company. So Prophet Mohammad (P.B.U.H.) warned us by saying, "The person is following his company behavior, so every one must watch for his company." (A good hadith reported by Imam Abu-dawoud and At-tirmithi.) 6. Encouraging the child's sense of belonging to the Muslim nation, by teaching him of the brotherhood between Muslims, teaching him to care for Muslims in any land, and that he is part of the Muslim body, to feel joy when Muslims are joyous, to feel sad for Muslims' sadness, and to do best to achieve the Muslim nation's goals. All of this can done practically through by: a. Taking children to mosques and introducing them to their brother in Islam regardless of race, language, or origin. b. Teaching the children the history of the Prophet (P.B.U.H.) and his companions and the history of Islam with in to the child's capability of understanding. c. Encouraging children to sympathize with Muslim problems and to contribute to the solutions such as the poverty problem and to donate some money to the hungry Muslim children. d. Taking part in the celebrations and festivals with Muslims, and sharing picnics and creating ties with their Muslim brothers of the same age. 7. Growing the sense of distinction from society, and that does not mean arrogance because arrogance is forbidden: but it means the sense of being a Muslim and that Muslims are different from non-Muslims in their sources of belief and behavior. Clarify that the society is good and bad, so as a Muslim, take and benefit from what is good and leave and avoid what is bad. 8. Growing the feeling of love of Allah, his Prophet, Muslims, and all people. This love will lead to special behavior towards all those loved. This is a general guideline, so every Muslim can take care of his children and know the correct path that must be followed, so we can do the job we are entrusted to do as Allah proscribed, as well as the responsibility the prophet has clarified to protect the future generations of Muslims, as Allah said in surat At-tawbah, verse 105, what can be translated as, "And Say Do deeds! Allah will see your deeds, and (so will) his Messenger and the believers. And you will be brought back to the All-Knower of the unseen and the seen. Then He will inform you of what you used to do." (3 of 3)

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