Choosing The Desired Wife

By: Ibrahim Abu Khalid
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad, and upon his family and companions.
When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience.
When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (saws) echoes on, when he said: "O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality..."
When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is.
As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (saws) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.
Who to Marry
Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (saws) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway.
In another hadith, the Prophet (saws) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah (saws), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard' "[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (saws), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (saws) replied that the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away. Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (saws) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (saws) replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person.
Qualities of the Pious Women
Alright, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman.
The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities.

"And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"
[Qur'an 24:26]

"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard" [Qur'an 4:34]

"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast.."
[Qur'an 66:5]

And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allah, qualities, which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes:

-a Muslim woman
-a believing woman
-a devout woman
-a true woman
-a woman who is patient and constant
-a woman who humbles herself
-a woman who gives charity
-a woman who fasts and denies herself
-a woman who guards her chastity
-a woman who engages much in Allah's praise
Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh:

"And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden'."
[Qur'an 66:11]

The Prophet (saws) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allah's Messenger (saws), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her."

Ahh, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19]. Remember also that you are not perfect either.
Knowing Who She Is
To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments," and also that they "should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other "just good friends".
Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak ones.
Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.
Trust in Allah
We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.
Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom.
Islam is likened to being as a house and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.
It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (saws) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (saws) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.
Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.
The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.
The Prophet (saws) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.
The Prophet (saws) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ".
Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent.
When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us:

"For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them."
[Qur'an 7:189]

Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say:

"Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous."
[Qur'an al-Furqan 74]

I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says:

"Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him."
[Qur'an 3:159]

May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.

"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way" [Qur'an:186]

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Wife Abuse in the Muslim Community

(reprinted with permission from Islamic Horizons)

KAMRAN MEMON


Wife abuse has hurt many Muslim women, destroyed many Muslim families, and weakened the entire Muslim community. How much longer can Muslims afford to look the other way?

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and he has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..." Qu'ran 30:21

"I recommend that you treat women with goodness. The best of you are those who treat their wives the best." Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him)

While North American Muslims loudly protest the widely-documented Serbian abuse of Muslim women in Bosnia, the abuse of many Muslim women at the hands of their own husbands in North America is hidden and ignored by the community.

Domestic violence is the single major cause of injury to women in America."Nearly one quarter of women in the United States - more than 12 million- will be abused by a current or former partner some time during their lives," according to the American Medical Association; and, despite Islamic teachings of justice and compassion, many Muslim women in the United States and Canada are no exception.

Based on information from Muslim leaders, social workers, and activists in North America, the North American Council for Muslim Women says that approximately 10 percent of Muslim women are abused emotionally, physically, and sexually by their Muslim husbands. (There are no hard numbers, because community leaders haven't taken the well-known problem seriously enough to research.)

Wife-abuse, which stretches across all ethnic, racial, educational, and socio-economic lines in the Muslim community, results in severe emotional and physical pain for many Muslim women, a stacking up of sins for many Muslim men, and many weak, unhappy Muslim families that fail to contribute adequately to the development of the Muslim community and the rest of North American society.

Despite the severity of the problem, the Muslim community has largely closed its eyes and devoted very few resources to helping the victims and stopping the abusers.

This is doubly unfortunate because family violence is one of America's most critical health problems (according to the American Medical Association and the U.S. Surgeon General), and Islamic leadership is needed to deal with this crisis; but Muslims are clearly in no moral position to lead society because they commit and tolerate abuse within their own community.

FORMS OF ABUSE OF MUSLIM WOMEN

"Domestic violence is an ongoing, debilitating experience of physical, psychological, and/or sexual abuse in the home," says the American Medical Association.

Although Islam promises women protection from such problems, the reality in many Muslim homes is different.

The most common form of abuse is emotional and mental abuse. In Muslim homes, this includes verbal threats to divorce the wife, to remarry, or to take the kids away if she does not do exactly as she is told; intimidation and threats of harm; degradation, humiliation, insults, ridicule, name-calling, and criticism; false accusations and blaming her for everything; ignoring, dismissing, or ridiculing her needs; neglect and the silent treatment; spying on her; telling her she is a failure and will go to hell; twisting Islamic teachings to make her feel worthless because she is a woman; restricting her access to transportation, health care, food, clothing, money, friends, or social services; physical and social isolation; extreme jealousy and possessiveness; lying, breaking promises, destroying trust; etc. Emotional abuse can take place in public or at home.

Although it's completely contrary to the example of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, the Muslim community nonetheless tends to dismiss the seriousness of mental abuse, rationalizing it as a petty argument between husband and wife, and saying it's not serious unless he hits her. In reality, mental abuse does severe psychological harm to many Muslim women. It destroys their self-esteem and makes them question their self-worth; some have mental breakdowns and go insane.

Furthermore, psychological abuse can lead to physical abuse.

Physical abuse includes pushing, shoving, choking, slapping, punching, kicking, and beating; assault with a weapon; tying up; refusing to help her when she is sick or injured; physically throwing her out of the house; etc. Physical abuse escalates in frequency and severity.

The third form of abuse is sexual abuse, involving forced, violent sex. For example, a wife may not want to have sex for health reasons, but the husband may force her anyway.

These three forms of abuse are usually related and occur of a long period of time. Muslim men, just like non-Muslims, often start with mental abuse and work their way up. Muslim women need to recognize the signs of escalating abuse.

WHY DO SOME MUSLIM MEN ABUSE THEIR WIVES?

There are a number of factors that make many Muslim men abusive.

Abusers are often part of a cycle, picking up the habit after watching their own fathers abuse their mothers in North America or in Muslim countries. And their own children learn this abusive behavior and abuse their wives. (This is an important point because the longer the Muslim community tolerates abuse, the longer it will be passed on from father to son, from generation to generation.)

For cultural reasons, some Muslim men accept the idea that it's normal for a man to hit his wife and that she is no more than a piece of his property.

Some Muslim husbands abuse their wives as a result of frustration resulting from economic hardship, political oppression experienced outside the U.S., problems with the children, or an inferiority complex.

Some abuse their wives because they want them to be more "modern" and less Islamic by removing their hijab (Islamic dress), while others are abusive because they want the opposite.

Some Muslims with superficial ties to Islam don't know that abuse is unacceptable due to their weak faith, poor Islamic knowledge, and lack of interaction with the Muslim community.

Tragically, some Muslim men actually use Islam to "justify" their abusive behavior. Focusing on rituals, considering themselves to be Islamically knowledgeable, and disregarding the spirit of Islam, they wrongly use the Qur'anic verse that says men are the protectors and maintainers of women to go on power trips, demand total obedience, and order their wives around. They disregard the Islamic requirement for the head of the household to consult with other members of the family when making decisions.

Then, if their wives dare to speak up or question their orders, these men misinterpret a Qur'anic verse that talks about how to treat a disobedient wife and use it as a license for abuse.

In reality, the Qur'an and Sunnah provide clear instructions on what procedures a husband must use in conflict situations where the husband is innocent and the wife is rebellious and at fault. The first step is a peaceful discussion between the two of them about the problem and solutions. This is intended to soften hearts and eliminate misunderstandings. If this doesn't work, the next step is for the husband to tell his wife his expectations in a firm, decisive manner. If the rebelliousness and disobedience continues, the husband is supposed to leave the bed, which is really a punishment for both of them for not being able to resolve their differences. If that fails to solve the problem, representatives of both sides meet to try and arbitrate. As a last resort, if he thinks it will prevent divorce by letting the wife know how serious he is, the husband can use a light slap on the hand or shoulder but not on any other part of the body, and it shouldn't leave a mark or scar. Anything beyond this is Islamically prohibited.

This procedure is to be followed _only_ when the wife is the cause of a serious problem and the husband is innocent, compassionate, and well-behaved. If the husband is the cause of the problem, he has _no right_ to do any of this.

Unfortunately, Muslim wives often accept un-Islamic treatment from their husbands because they don't know their Islamic rights, and they don't realize their husbands are crossing the Islamic line.

Abusive men are completely disregarding the Islamic teachings of kindness, mercy, gentleness, and forgiveness, just as they are disregarding the example of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, who never hit a woman and was extremely gentle and compassionate with his family.

WHY IS HELP SO SCARCE?

One problem is that many Muslims don't want to get involved in the "private" family affairs of other Muslims. Rather than enjoining good and forbidding evil, rather than trying to stop abuse in a friend's or neighbor's family by offering to mediate between the husband and wife or by encouraging them to speak to Muslim counsellors, many irresponsible Muslims close their eyes and pretend they don't know there's a problem. So the abuse goes on.

Another reason why abuse isn't stopped is that many abused Muslim women simply don't seek out help. They're afraid that if their situation becomes public they will lose their privacy because Muslims gossip so much, and they fear the abusers will become more hostile when the negative publicity gets back to them. Furthermore, many abused Muslim women remain silent because they lack confidence in themselves and believe that they somehow deserve the abuse. Abused Muslim women also keep quiet out of a feeling of hopelessness and a belief that no one will help them, out of financial dependence on their husbands, out of a desire to keep homes together for the children's sake, or out of love for the abusive husbands. Other Muslim women accept the abuse as a fact of life and learn to live with it.

Of those who reach a breaking point and seek help, many Muslim women turn to imams but often find them unhelpful. Imams often tell these women to be patient and pray for the abuse to end. Some imams make the abused Muslim women feel guilty, telling them they have brought the abuse upon themselves and instructing them to go home and please their husbands. Other imams, who are sincerely but mistakenly misinterpreting Islam by putting the importance of family privacy above any harm that might come to the individual woman, tell the women it is wrong for them to discuss their problems with anyone other than their husbands. The imams's reactions stem from ignorance, cowardice, or friend-ship or blood relationship with the abusive husbands. Relatively few imams have had the wisdom and courage to tackle the problem head-on. As a result of this, many abused women don't bother turning to imams for help.

Looking for other sources of help, many abused Muslim women have turned to relatives only to be told to accept the abuse because making a big deal out of it could hurt the relatives' family honor and reputation.

Finding many imams and relatives to be more cruel than Islamic, abused Muslim women often turn to Muslim female activists and Muslim women's organizations for help. While these activists are often untrained in crisis intervention, they are getting the abused women out of their houses and hiding them until Muslim men can be sent to try to reason with the husbands. They often collect money from other women to give to the abused women until it's safe for them to go back home. When continued attempts to salvage the marriages have proven futile, these activists counsel the abused women on how to get out of their marriages.

As for national Islamic organizations, most have largely ignored the issue of wife abuse, neglecting to highlight the problem and solutions during national conferences or to devote resources to helping abused Muslim women.

Overall, the services provided by the Muslim community for abused Muslim women take care of one-quarter of the need, according to Muslim activists.

Because the Muslim community often leaves them to suffer, many abused Muslim women turn to shelters run by non-Muslims for help. (Seeing abused Muslim women at shelters leaves non-Muslim social workers with an ugly picture of Islam. As far as many of them are concerned, Islam is no more just and compassionate than Christianity or Judaism because the Muslim community tolerates wife abuse too. Going to a non-Muslim shelter can result social workers taking children away from troubled Muslim homes if they think it is better for them to be in a more stable environment, which often ends up being a non-Muslim home.)

Many women go even further, leaving Islam altogether because the Muslim community fails to live up to the Islamic promise of protection, brotherhood, and sisterhood.

THE COMMUNITY'S ROLE

The Muslim community has clearly failed in its obligations to protect many Muslim women and to bring many cruel Muslim men to justice. The community needs to deal much more effectively with wife abuse in order to stop the immediate suffering of people in abusive situations and to help build healthy Muslim families.

First, the community must accept the fact that there is a problem and that it doesn't know how to deal with it.

Then a core group of trusted, active Muslim men and women in each North American city, who are committed to ending wife abuse in the Muslim community and to strengthening Muslim families, must become knowledgeable about Islamic guidelines on the family and be trained in crisis intervention and counseling. (Unfortunately, some community "leaders" will be too ignorant or arrogant to seek such training; but they must not be allowed to get in the way.)

Since there aren't yet many Muslims qualified to teach crisis intervention and counseling, several Muslim women throughout North America have started learning these techniques from non-Muslim social service agencies (listed in the phone book under wife abuse, domestic violence, or crisis intervention). Other Muslim women and men need to follow suit. Whatever they learn from these agencies should be cast in the light of their Islamic knowledge of properly functioning Muslim families.

Once they know what they're doing, members of core groups across the continent should recruit and train others in their communities in crisis intervention and the Islamic perspective on the family. There should be a network of at least 100 trained counselors in every major North American city.

A list of trained Muslims and their phone numbers (or one Muslim hotline number) should be circulated throughout the community in each city so that abused women know whome they can turn to for meaningful help.

(Most of women approaching the network initially will be physically abused Muslims. Victims of mental abuse will less likely to reach out at first because many have become accustomed to the abuse and accept it as a way of life. But educational programs at community gatherings -- explaining what Islamic family life should be like and explaining that there is help available for abused women -- will let emotionally abused Muslim women know they have a way to stop the pain.)

These trained Muslims should give abused women shelter (at people's homes or at community facilities, such as a rented apartment) for periods ranging from several days to several months depending on the extent of the abuse, while counseling them.

(Beyond this, taking into account the fact that many Muslim women will still turn to non-Muslim shelters because they don't want to deal with the Muslim community or because the community program is not big enough to help them, the Muslim community should sensitize people running non-Muslim shelters to the particular needs of Muslim women; and trained Muslims should visit the shelters regularly and constantly remind shelter operators that they are available to help whenever a Muslim woman comes in.)

While caring for the abused women, the trained Muslims should counsel the abusers separately, making them aware of the reasons they abuse, of the fact that their actions are truly harming their wives, that such behavior is completely un-Islamic, and that God will hold them accountable.

After separate counselling, the next step would be joint counselling for the husband and wife, and then counselling for the entire family. The objective should be to heal the family, but divorce may be necessary.

Another option, that some Muslims in New York have tried, is to punish Muslim men for their abusive actions. A "security force" warns, and then beats up, if necessary, Muslim men who continue beating their wives. Usually the abusers get the message; this is the only language many of them understand. Some men have to be beaten before they wake up and are ready to listen to rational, Islamic arguments.

Police and psychiatrists may have to be involved in severe cases of chronic abuse.

Community education is an indispensable factor on top of all this. Starting today, throughout the process outlined above, community leaders and other concerned Muslims need to educate people -- about the problem and about efforts to help victims and prevent future abuse -- through Friday khutbahs (sermons), educational seminars, and workshops. These educational programs can themselves reduce abuse by letting people know the community isn't going to tolerate it anymore. the community isn't going to tolerate if anymore.

Furthermore, the community needs to extablish classes to teach Muslim men, young and old, how ot be proper husbands and fathers and to teach Muslim women, young and old, how to be proper wives and mothers. Many Muslims don't know their rights and obligations in these roles.

In addition, in order to prevent future family problems, parents and community leaders must teach shildren and young adults to be compassionate, to value the family, and to resolve problems in an Islamic, non-violent manner.

It's also important for Muslims to go into field like psychiatry, women's issues law, social work,and counselling.

No Muslim community in any North American city has taken all these steps. Unfortunately, the entire plan could take years to implement. (Of course, that makes it all the more necissary to start immediately.) But when theses steps are taken, abuse should decrease if not stop in the Muslim community, according to Muslim social workers and activists.

If, once all these steps are taken, there are more abused Muslim women in specific communities than these networks can adequately help, then Muslims should establish good quality, properly staffed, and well funded Muslim shelters. Many communities may not need to go this far, but some may.

DO YOU REALLY CARE?

It sounds like a lot of work, but the problem is serious enough to warrant a lot of work. The Muslim community has shamefully tolerated abuse for a long time. How much longer will Muslim families (and therefore the Muslim community) be weakened by abuse? How much longer will abusers be allowed to run free and unpunished in the community? How much more abuse will Muslim women have to endure before the community decides that enough is enough?

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Wife beating is not allowed in Islam in any case!

The sections of this article are: 1-  Wife beating is not allowed in Islam! 2-  Noble Verses and Sayings that support the prohibition of any type of       wife beating. 3-  The Prophet forbade striking on the face. 4-  What about the saying about striking the wife lightly on her hand with a siwak?       This saying doesn't belong to Prophet Muhammad.  5-  More proofs about the translation of Noble Verse 4:34. 6-  Conclusion. Wife beating anytime and for any reason is never allowed in Islam.  There is however a questionable condition where Allah Almighty seems to allow the husband to beat his wife, and that is after he gives her two warnings to stop showing ill-conduct and disloyalty. Let us look at Noble Verses 4:34-36 "(34). Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all). (35). If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation: For Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things. (36). Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good- to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, those in need, neighbours who are near, neighbours who are strangers, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (ye meet), and what your right hands possess: For Allah loveth not the arrogant, the vainglorious;" The Arabic word used in Noble Verse 4:34 above is "idribuhunna", which is derived from "daraba" which means "beat".  The issue with all of the Arabic words that are derived from the word "daraba" is that they don't necessarily mean "hit".  The word "idribuhunna" for instance, could very well mean to "leave" them.  It is exactly like telling someone to "beat it" or "drop it" in English. Allah Almighty used the word "daraba" in Noble Verse 14:24 "Seest thou not how Allah sets (daraba) forth a parable? -- A goodly Word Like a goodly tree, Whose root is firmly fixed, And its branches (reach) To the heavens".  "daraba" here meant "give an example".  If I say in Arabic "daraba laka mathal", it means "give you an example". Allah Almighty also used the word "darabtum", which is derived from the word "daraba" in Noble Verse 4:94, which mean to "go abroad" in the sake of Allah Almighty: "O ye who believe! When ye go abroad (darabtum) In the cause of Allah, Investigate carefully, And say not to anyone Who offers you a salutation: 'Thou art none of a Believer!' Coveting the perishable good Of this life: with Allah Are profits and spoils abundant.  Even thus were ye yourselves Before, till Allah conferred On you His favours: therefore Carefully investigate.  For Allah is well aware Of all that ye do.   (The Noble Quran, 4:94)" So "daraba" literally means "beat", or "go abroad", or "give" but not in the sense to give something by hand, but rather to give or provide an example. Important Note:  Notice how Allah Almighty in Noble Chapter (Surah) 4 He used "daraba (4:34" and "darabtum (4:94)", which are both derived from the same root.  He used both words in the same Chapter, which tells me that "daraba" in Noble Verse 4:34 means to desert or leave, since that's what its derived word meant in Noble Verse 4:94.   The next section below will further prove my point. I am sure there are more Noble Verses that used words derived from "daraba" in the Noble Quran, but these are the only ones I know of so far.  In the case of Noble Verse 4:34 where Allah Almighty seems to allow men to hit their wives after the two warnings for ill-conduct and disloyalty, it could very well be that Allah Almighty meant to command the Muslims to "leave" the home all together and desert their wives for a long time in a hope that the wives would then come back to their senses and repent. Noble Verses and Sayings that support the prohibition of any type of wife beating: The following Noble Verses and Sayings from the Noble Quran and Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him respectively seem to very well support the above interpretation: "...Do not retain them (i.e., your wives) to harm them...(The Noble Quran, 2:231)" Narrated Mu'awiyah al-Qushayri: "I went to the Apostle of Allah (peace_be_upon_him) and asked him: What do you say (command) about our wives? He replied: Give them food what you have for yourself, and clothe them by which you clothe yourself, and do not beat them, and do not revile them.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2139)" Narrated Mu'awiyah ibn Haydah: "I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2138)" Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: "He who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it or keep quiet. Act kindly towards woman, for woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will remain there. So act kindly towards women.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3468)" "O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good.  (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"  "And among God's signs is this: He created for you mates from amongst yourselves (males as mates for females and vice versa) that you might find tranquillity and peace in them. And he has put love and kindness among you. Herein surely are signs for those who reflect. (The Noble Quran 30:21)"   "Women impure for men impure. And women of purity for men of purity. These are not affected by what people say. For them is forgiveness and an honorable provision. (The Noble Quran 24:26)" Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle said, 'The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.  (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Good Manners and Form (Al-Adab), Volume 8, Book 73, Number 135)" Narrated Abu Huraira: "A man said to the Prophet , 'Advise me! 'The Prophet said, 'Do not become angry and furious.' The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, 'Do not become angry and furious.'   (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Good Manners and Form (Al-Adab), Volume 8, Book 73, Number 137)" Abu Huraira reported: "I heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: One is not strong because of one's wrestling skillfully. They said: Allah's Messenger, then who is strong? He said: He who controls his anger when he is in a fit of rage.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Virtue, Good Manners and Joining of the Ties of Relationship (Kitab Al-Birr was-Salat-I-wa'l-Adab), Book 032, Number 6314)" Allah Almighty loves those who restrain anger: "Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men; for Allah loves those who do good.  (The Noble Quran, 3:134)" The Prophet forbade striking on the face: Let us look at the following narrations about Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him: Narrated Salim: "....Umar said: 'The Prophet forbade beating on the face.'  (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Hunting, Slaughtering, Volume 7, Book 67, Number 449)" Narrated AbuHurayrah: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: When one of you inflicts a beating, he should avoid striking the face.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 38, Prescribed Punishments (Kitab Al-Hudud), Number 4478)"  These narrations do not prove the interpretation that wife beating being ok as long as it is not done on the face, because the narrations are general and do not mention any wives.  The striking could be done on our children when we discipline them.  In this case, the above two narrations would fit perfectly with the situation, because while we can still physically discipline our children, we are not allowed to hit them on the face. What about the saying about striking the wife lightly on her hand with a siwak? There is not a single Saying or Noble Verse from Prophet Muhammad or the Noble Quran respectively that mentions any such beating. A siwak is a small piece of wood that is approximately twice as long as an index finger and as thick as a thumb, which was used 1400 years ago to brush the teeth and the bad breath. This saying actually belongs to Imam Shafie, and not to Prophet Muhammad.  Imam Shafie or Minister Shafie is a popular Muslim scholar that came 100s of years after Prophet Muhammad.  I used to have the reference information to his saying about this subject, but unfortunately I lost it.  When I find it insha'Allah (if Allah Almighty wills it) I will post it. More proofs about the translation of Noble Verse 4:34: The following is an email that sent to me by brother A. Tilling; may Allah Almighty always be pleased with him. From:    ARJTilling@aol.com To:    ISLM4EVR1@aol.com Subj:    Another Reply to Mr O Abdallah Date:    3/28/02 3:16:15 AM Central Standard Time Peace, I have visited the link and it was what I expected.  But the question I am asking is a linguistic one, not one based on interpretations and jurisprudence.  Here again is the extract I provided: >>>>>>> (4:34) [...]as for those women on whose part ye fear rebellion (nushuz), admonish them and banish them to beds apart, (and last) beat (adriboo) them. Then, if they obey you, seek not a way against them. Note from me Osama Abdallah:   Actually the Arabic word is not "adriboo" which is a plural for beating men.  It is "idribuhunna" which is a plural for beating women.  But the two Arabic words mean the same thing, which is "beating". Continuing with brother A. Tilling email.... The key to the problem is the mistranslation of the two key words nushuz and adriboo. Some of the possible meanings for both the words, according to the lexicon,3 are given below. Again, the appropriate meaning will depend on the context of the verse. Nushuz: Animosity, hostility, rebellion, ill-treatment, discord; violation of marital duties on the part of either husband or wife.   Adriboo (root: daraba): to beat, to strike, to hit, to separate, to part. In the context of the above verse the most appropriate meaning for nushuz is 'marital discord' (ill-will, animosity etc), and for adriboo is 'to separate' or 'to part'.   Otherwise, it is inviting the likelihood of a divorce without any reconciliation procedure.  Such a step would blatantly contravene the Qur'anic guidance shown in verse 4:35 below.  Therefore, a more accurate and consistent translation of the above verse would be: (4:34) [...]as for those women whose animosity or ill-will you have reason to fear, then leave them alone in bed, and then separate; and if thereupon they pay you heed, do not seek a way against them. The separation could be temporary or permanent depending on the reconciliation procedure.  Such as construction is legitimate within the terms of the language and fits in very well with the divorce procedure outlined in the Qur'an (see 8.5). The verse following the above verse gives further weight to the above translation. (4:35) And if ye fear a breach between them twain (the man and the wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. Added weight to the meanings outlined above is given by verse 4:128 quoted below.   Here, in the case of a man, the same word nushuz is used, but it is rendered as 'ill-treatment' as against 'rebellion' in the case of a woman as shown earlier in the traditional translation of verse 4:34.  One find oneself asking whether since the ill-treatment is on the part of the husband, a process of reconciliation is here to be encouraged! (4:128) If a wife fears ill-treatment (nushuz) or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best[...] This, obviously, is a double standard and the only way to reconcile the meanings of the two verses, in the contexts they are being used, is to accept the meaning of adriboo as: 'to separate' or to 'part'.  In this connection I would like to refer the reader to an excellent article by Rachael Tibbet from which I quote: (a) Qur'anic commentators and translators experience problems with the term Adribu in the Qur'an not just in this verse but in others, as it is used in different contexts in ways which appear ambiguous and open to widely different translations into English.   'Daraba' can be translated in more than a hundred different ways. (b) The translation of adribu as 'to strike' in this particular verse (4:34) is founded upon nothing more than: (i) The authority of hadiths (Abu Daud 2141 and Mishkat Al-Masabih 0276) that this is what Adribu means in this context. (ii) The prejudices and environment of the early commentators of the Qur'an which led them to assume that 'to strike', given the overall context of the verse, was the most likely interpretation of the many possible interpretations of adribu. >>>>>>>>> Thanks A Tilling Conclusion: According to the Noble Quran and the Sayings of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him above, wife beating in Islam is definetly prohibited, possibly even in the case where the wife fails after she was warned twice for her ill-conduct and disloyalty. It is definetly a valid interpretation for Noble Verse 4:34 that Allah Almighty commanded the Muslim men to desert and leave their wives, and not to physically beat them as many scholars believe. I personally favor this non-violent interpretation, because (1) It is very well supported in Islam as clearly and unquestionably shown above; and (2) It makes more sense and seems more practical in dealing with the bad wife who insists on showing ill-conduct and disloyalty toward her husband and family. And Allah Almighty knows best, and may He forgive me if I made any mistake here.

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My respond to the so called "Wife Beating is allowed at anytime"

 lie against Islam:

Important Note: I've written an article that proves that wife beating in Islam is not allowed.  I proved that the Arabic word "idribuhunna" for "beating" was used several times in the Noble Quran to mean "to go abroad" and to "leave" a place.   Please visit Is wife beating really allowed in Islam? section.

The following article was written for the sole purpose of avoiding compromising Islam in any shape or form.  This article supports the Islamic interpretation for the word "beat" for those women who show disloyalty and ill-conduct to their husbands after their second warning.  This article also shows in great details how Muslim men should live with their wives in kindness and love and to never intimidate them or upset them in general on the daily basis according to the Commands of Allah Almighty and Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him.

You judge for yourself.

The sections of this article are:

- A warning on "wife beating" in the Western and Non-Muslim countries.
- What was the purpose of the Noble Verse 4:34-35?  Why is there a
   wife beating law in the Noble Quran? - Men should not try to dramatically change their wives.  No "male dominance"
   is allowed in Islam.
- Do not over react with your wife!!  (Do not seek to cause her to disobey you!).
- What if my wife is stubborn and she intimidates me to either beat her or divorce
   her when she is angry?
- The Arab men's jealousy was dangerous 1400 years ago, and needed to be
   controlled.
- Can the husband hospitalize his wife from the beating?  What punishment
  Would he get?
- What if the husband flirts with other women? What can the wife do then?
- The husband is like a "god" to his wife.  Wives need to always honor and respect
   their husbands.
- Conclusion.

Every time the issue of women in Islam is brought up, the Anti-Islamic debaters use the Noble Verse 4:34 as a point against Islam because in it Allah Almighty allows men to beat their wives.

Let us look at Noble Verses 4:34-36 "(34). Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).

(35). If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation: For Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things.

(36). Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good- to parents, kinsfolk, orphans, those in need, neighbours who are near, neighbours who are strangers, the companion by your side, the wayfarer (ye meet), and what your right hands possess: For Allah loveth not the arrogant, the vainglorious;"

First of all, I do not agree with the English translators of the Noble Quran to add the word "(lightly)" in between parenthesis like if they were ashamed of their own Holy Book!  Second, if someone really honestly wants to understand the Noble Quran, then he/she must not just only read the Noble Verses from it, but also study the history of each verse because each verse in the Noble Quran came for a purpose.

It is important to know that Allah Almighty clearly prohibits for Muslim men to harm their wives: "...Do not retain them (i.e., your wives) to harm them...(The Noble Quran, 2:231)"   So brutally beating the wives and causing bruises and damages to their bodies is clearly prohibited in Islam.  But Allah Almighty also on the other hand, didn't say to gently tap (i.e., "(lightly)") them when it's time to physically punish them as some Muslim scholars like to make it appear.  No, a Muslim man has to be moderate in his beating by sending the clear message to the disloyal wife, and at the same time by keeping her out of harm's way.

Please read the "Can the husband hospitalize his wife from the beating?  What punishment Would he get?" section below for more details and references.

Also, read the "What was the purpose of the Noble Verse 4:34-35 above?  Why is there a wife beating law in the Noble Quran?" section below to see the details and references about Islam prohibiting the striking on the face for any reason.   So the beating in Noble Verses 4:34-35 clearly must not include above the shoulders level.

I just don't want Allah Almighty's Holy Words to be compromised by any of the Western social and cultural pressures.  What we might view as right today may not necessarily be right in the sight of Allah Almighty, and what we might view as wrong, also may not be wrong in the sight of Allah Almighty.

Important Note: Noble Verses 4:34-36 might be viewed by the West as unequalizing Verses between men and women.   The idea of beating in any form is not acceptable to them, which had resulted in enforcing rules on the society that prohibit even the parent from beating his/her child.   Even teachers in schools are too scared to touch their students.  This corrupted ideology in the West had created very disrespectful societies! 

I still remember when me and my family moved to the US in 1988.   I was 13 years old and a  Freshman in High School.  When the teacher enters the classroom, I used to stand up for him/her to show respect as we were taught to do so in the Middle East.  My class mates used to laugh at me and thought I was weird.   It took me a while to get used to the American way of treating your teachers.

I still remember seeing students on different occasions putting up their feet on their desks (facing their teachers) while the teacher is lecturing.   If this were in the Middle East, believe me, the student would get beat up on his hands with a stick so hard, that he would never dare to do it again!

Below, you will see how Islam is truly a very respectful Religion to women that prohibits men from beating their wives at anytime except only once, and that's in the case of Noble Verses 4:34-36.  After the beating, the two couples have to either work it out in peace, or get divorced. You will also see how Allah Almighty equalizes between the believing men and women spiritually.

A warning on "wife beating" in the Western and Non-Muslim countries:

Beating of disobedient wives in the West is strictly prohibited and would result in a charge of either "domestic battery" or "felony" (depending on your record).  Both charges would cause you to go to jail if your wife calls the police on you.  You can visit www.yahoo.com and do a search on "wife beating" to learn more about it's punishments in the West. 

So therefore, Noble Verses 4:34-36 MUST NOT be applied in the non-Muslim countries, or countries that punish severely any type of wife beating.   Allah Almighty orders us to not challenge the authorities in charge of us:  "O ye who believe! Obey God, and obey the Apostle, andthose charged with authority among you. If ye differ in anything among yourselves, refer it to God and His Apostle, if ye do believe in God and the Last Day: That is best, and most suitable for final determination.  (The Noble Quran, 4:59)"

Noble Verse 4:59 clearly orders us to obey Allah Almighty, our Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him and those who are charged with authority among us.   So therefore, I personally think that if we live in non-Muslim countries, then we MUST NOT always apply the laws of Islam in our lives, especially if there is a danger in applying them.  If a Muslim can't live in a Muslim country, then he/she is ordered to respect and obey the laws and constitution of the country that he/she is currently living in.

Let us look at the following Saying from our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him:

Narrated 'Abdullah: "The Prophet said, 'A Muslim has to listen to and obey (the order of his ruler) whether he likes it or not, as long as his orders involve not one in disobedience (to Allah), but if an act of disobedience (to Allah) is imposed one should not listen to it or obey it.   (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Judgments (Ahkaam), Volume 9, Book 89, Number 258)"

Some Muslims might argue that this Hadith (Saying) of our Prophet that I presented actually proves that "wife beating" of disobedient wives (after their third disobedience) in non-Muslim countries is ok to do.  Well, as I mentioned above, I personally think that if there is a danger in applying some Islamic laws in our lives in non-Muslim countries, then we have the option to void out these laws for the sake of our safety.

Allah Almighty said in His Noble Book:  "On no soul doth God Place a burden greater than it can bear.  (The Noble Quran, 2:286)"

From this Noble Verse, we see that Allah Almighty would never want us to get our selves in trouble and to do things that are beyond our capacity.  He the Almighty Understands well our intentions and our daily life issues.  Therefore, I personally think that it is ok to not practice the "wife beating" section of Noble Verse 4:34 in the non-Muslim countries that punish wife beating.

What was the purpose of the Noble Verse 4:34-35 above?   Why is there a wife beating law in the Noble Quran?

When Prophet Muhammad peace b-Muslim countries is ok to do.  Well, as I mentioned above, I personally think that if there is a danger in applying some Islamic laws in our lives in non-Muslim countries, then we have the option to void out these laws for the sake of our safety.

Allah Almighty said in His Noble Book:  "On no soul doth approached with questions "What if the wife intentionally disobeys her husband in what Allah Almighty has permitted for him upon her?  And what if the wife flirts with other men, or can't be trusted to honor her husband's dignity?  How should it be dealt with?" The answer to those two questions was the Noble Verses 4:34-35.

These Noble Verses prove that Islam is by far the most merciful and rational religion to women, because it not only gives the woman 2 chances to repent before she gets beaten, but it also saves her from getting divorced and destroy her family.
The laws of 4:34-35 for the woman who intentionally disobeys her husband in what Allah Almighty has permitted for him upon her or flirt with other men are (1) Be warned at first; (2) Her husband doesn't sleep with her for few days (that he determines) if she does it again; and (3) Her husband must beat her (no mention of any light beating in the Noble Quran) if she does it the third time.
As I mentioned above, it is important to know that Allah Almighty clearly prohibits for Muslim men to harm their wives: "...Do not retain them (i.e., your wives) to harm them...(The Noble Quran, 2:231)"   So brutally beating the wives and causing bruises and damages to their bodies is clearly prohibited in Islam.  But Allah Almighty also on the other hand, didn't say to gently tap (i.e., "(lightly)") them when it's time to physically punish them as some Muslim scholars like to make it appear.  No, a Muslim man has to be moderate in his beating by sending the clear message to the disloyal wife, and at the same time by keeping her out of harm's way.
Please read the "Can the husband hospitalize his wife from the beating?  What punishment Would he get?" section below for more details and references.
Our Prophet peace be upon him however did specify that the beating must not include the face.  Hitting the face of any human being is not allowed in Islam.  Let us look at the following Sayings of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him:
Narrated Salim: "....Umar said: 'The Prophet forbade beating on the face.'  (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Hunting, Slaughtering, Volume 7, Book 67, Number 449)"
Narrated AbuHurayrah: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: When one of you inflicts a beating, he should avoid striking the face.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 38, Prescribed Punishments (Kitab Al-Hudud), Number 4478)" 
Even with slaves, if one slaps his slave in the face, then he must set him free:
"Zadhan reported that Ibn Umar called his slave and he found the marks (of beating) upon his back. He said to him: I have caused you pain. He said: No. But he (Ibn Umar) said: You are free. He then took hold of something from the earth and said: There is no reward for me even to the weight equal to it. I heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: He who beats a slave without cognizable offence of his or slaps him, then expiation for it is that he should set him free.   (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Oaths (Kitab Al-Aiman), Book 015, Number 4079)"
The above Sayings of our beloved Prophet peace be upon him preserve the human dignity from being compromised.  There is no need to humiliate the person (any person) if you ever have to enter into a physical confrontation with him.  Of course, fighting by choice is also not allowed in Islam:  See my paper on Good Manners in Islam.
Wife beating is not allowed in Islam for any reason, except for the case of Noble Verses 4:34-35 when the wife intentionally disobeys her husband intentionally in what Allah Almighty has permitted for him upon her or flirts with other men:
Narrated Mu'awiyah al-Qushayri: "I went to the Apostle of Allah (peace_be_upon_him) and asked him: What do you say (command) about our wives? He replied: Give them food what you have for yourself, and clothe them by which you clothe yourself, and do not beat them, and do not revile them.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2139)"
Narrated Mu'awiyah ibn Haydah: "I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2138)"
Also, Noble Verse 4:34 states "…but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all)." Which clearly proves that the man can not bring the past of his wife as a tool against her to humiliate her or to discomfort her.
One important point: The door of mercy and forgiveness in Noble Verse 4:34 is open for all women if they decide to repent. This clearly proves that Islam is a beautiful religion and a merciful one too.

Men should not try to dramatically change their wives.   No "male dominance" is allowed in Islam:
Some men (Muslims and non-Muslims) have the tendency to show some dominance by trying to impose certain rules upon their wives, in a hope that their wives would start living or acting the way their husbands want them to live or act.  It's ok for spouses to have conversations and point out things that they wish for the other side to change or do.
But Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him warned Muslim men from going too far with trying to change their wives, for it will eventually harm the marriage and result in a divorce:
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: "He who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it or keep quiet. Act kindly towards woman, for woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will remain there. So act kindly towards women.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3468)"
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported: "Woman has been created from a rib and will in no way be straightened for you; so if you wish to benefit by her, benefit by her while crookedness remains in her. And if you attempt to straighten her, you will break her, and breaking her is divorcing her.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 008, Number 3467)"
Male dominance, even if it wasn't physically abusive, is clearly not allowed in Islam, as we saw in the above Sayings of our beloved Prophet peace be upon him.  Muslim men must accept their wives as they are.  Requests for small changes are ok.  But for the main things such as her beliefs about certain things that were raised in her as she was growing up with her family should just be accepted by the husband without trying to change them.
As the Prophet said, trying to change the wife to a point of breaking her will result in divorcing her.  Because in order to break the wife, the man has to divorce her.  So treat her kindly.  Simply, accept your wife as she is, even if she was terribly awkward in everything, and try to deal with her Islamicly.   Meaning, give her her rights in full and get your rights from her also in full peacefully. 

Do not over react with your wife!! 
Islam teaches us that over reacting with our wives and seeking the destruction of our marriages (i.e. eventually getting divorced) especially if the wives don't really deserve to be divorced is something NOT acceptable in Islam.
It is important for Muslim men to keep in mind that over reacting with their wives is not right.  If you approach your wife one day, and she was upset from something (as women are too emotional sometimes), then DO NOT challenge her and ask her or tell her to do something that you know that she wouldn't do for you at that moment because of her anger, and then count it as a one disobedient act against her and then apply Noble Verse 4:34 to her!!
In other words, DO NOT SEEK TO CAUSE HER TO DISOBEY YOU!
Allah Almighty and Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him clearly order the Muslim men to live in kindness with their wives and to speak with them kindly and to treat them kindly, and to never shout at them or carry hard feelings or revenge toward them.  Being stubborn with your wife and seeking trouble with her so that you would result her in disobeying you is ABSOLUTELY PROHIBITED IN ISLAM!  Noble Verse 4:34 is NOT ALWAYS to be applied to the women who do not obey their husbands, for their husbands sometimes are too excessive in their intimidation and bad treatment!
Let us read the following from the Noble Quran and the Sayings of our Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him:
"O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good.  (The Noble Quran, 4:19)" 
"And among God's signs is this: He created for you mates from amongst yourselves (males as mates for females and vice versa) that you might find tranquillity and peace in them. And he has put love and kindness among you. Herein surely are signs for those who reflect. (The Noble Quran 30:21)"  
"And when you men have divorced women, ...then either retain them in kindness if you reconcile, or part with them in kindness. Do not retain them to harm them so that you transgress limits. He who does this has wronged himself. (The Noble Quran 2:231)"
"Women impure for men impure. And women of purity for men of purity. These are not affected by what people say. For them is forgiveness and an honorable provision. (The Noble Quran 24:26)"
"And the believers men and women are friends one of the other, they enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong, and they establish worship and pay the poor due, and they obey God and his messenger. As for these, God will have mercy on them...(The Noble Quran 9:71)"  
"Indeed, men who submit and women who submit, believing men and believing women, and men who obey and women who obey, and truthful men and truthful women, and men who persevere and women who persevere, and men who are humble and women who are humble, and men who give alms and women who give alms, and men who fast and women who fast, and men who guard their chastity and women who guard their chastity, and men who remember God much and women who remember God much. God has prepared for them forgiveness and a great reward. (The Noble Quran 33:35)"  
"And their Lord has heard them and says: 'I don't let the work of any worker be lost be they male or female. You both proceed one from the other..(The Noble Quran 3:195)"
"...Indeed the noblest of you in the sight of God (among men and women and races and nationalities) is the one most responsive to the truth (taqwa). (The Noble Quran 49:13)"
Narrated Mu'awiyah al-Qushayri: "I went to the Apostle of Allah (peace_be_upon_him) and asked him: What do you say (command) about our wives? He replied: Give them food what you have for yourself, and clothe them by which you clothe yourself, and do not beat them, and do not revile them.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2139)"
Narrated Mu'awiyah ibn Haydah: "I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.  (Sunan Abu-Dawud, Book 11, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Number 2138)"

What if my wife is stubborn and she intimidates me to either beat her or divorce her when she is angry?
This is a common case in many marriages.  My advise to you is to leave the room and get out of the house for a little while and then come back.  If she insists on being stubborn, or disobeying you, or bringing up bad past or bad things that could result in a fight or bad argument between you and her, then you are both commanded by Allah Almighty to either seek marriage counseling or to consult with others who are very reliable and experienced from both your families such as both your parents regarding this issue:
"If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace,Allah will cause their reconciliation: For Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things.  (The Noble Quran, 4:35)"
"....then either retain them [your wives] in kindness if you reconcile, or part with them in kindness.  (The Noble Quran 2:231)"
The idea of seeking a solution for a marital problem in "peace" is clearly laid out in Noble Verses 4:35 and 2:231 above.  Back then 1400 years ago, they didn't have marriage counseling facilities and programs.  But today we do, and these facilities are a "peaceful" solution between the husband and the wife.
Therefore, as the husband and the wife are clearly ordered to seek a "peaceful" solution which will determine for them to whether stay together or divorce in peace, it is clear that today they are commanded to seek marital counseling to help them resolve their problems also in peace.  It's important to know that these facilities are lawful today in Islam for use.

We are prohibited from becoming angry and furious at others:
Let us look at what Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said:
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle said, 'The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.  (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Good Manners and Form (Al-Adab), Volume 8, Book 73, Number 135)"
Narrated Abu Huraira: "A man said to the Prophet , 'Advise me! 'The Prophet said, 'Do not become angry and furious.' The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, 'Do not become angry and furious.'   (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Good Manners and Form (Al-Adab), Volume 8, Book 73, Number 137)"
Abu Huraira reported: "I heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: One is not strong because of one's wrestling skillfully. They said: Allah's Messenger, then who is strong? He said: He who controls his anger when he is in a fit of rage.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Virtue, Good Manners and Joining of the Ties of Relationship (Kitab Al-Birr was-Salat-I-wa'l-Adab), Book 032, Number 6314)"
In the above Sayings of our beloved Prophet, we are clearly commanded to not get angry and furious at others.  Physical confrontations with others (including our wives) is to always remain at the minimum, if not eliminated completely from our selves.   These things are some of the real Muslim's morals and good manners.
Allah Almighty loves those who restrain anger: "Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men; for Allah loves those who do good.  (The Noble Quran, 3:134)"

The Arab men's jealousy was dangerous 1400 years ago, and needed to be controlled:
We must know that Noble Verses 4:34-36 came as a mercy for those women who flirt with other men, or seem to be too open for other men to approach them.
Let us look at few of the Sayings of our beloved Prophet peace be upon him regarding the jealous men regarding this issue during his time:
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Sa'd b. Ubada (Allah be pleased with him) said: "Messenger of Allah, if I were to find with my wife a man, should I not touch him before bringing four witnesses? Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Yes. He said: By no means. By Him Who has sent you with the Truth, I would hasten with my sword to him before that. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Listen to what your chief says. He is jealous of his honour, I am more jealous than he (is) and God is more jealous than I. (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Divorce (Kitab Al-Talaq), Book 009, Number 3571)"
AI-Mughira b. Shu'ba (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Sa'd b. 'Ubada (Allah be pleased with him) said: "If I were to see a man with my wife, I would have struck him with the sword, and not with the flat part (side) of it. When Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) heard of that, he said: Are you surprised at Sa'd's jealousy of his honour? By Allah, I am more jealous of my honour than he, and Allah is more jealous than I. Because of His jealousy Allah has prohibited abomination, both open and secret And no person is more jealous of his honour than Allah, and no persons, is more fond of accepting an excuse than Allah, on account of which He has sent messengers, announcers of glad tidings and warners; and no one is more fond of praise than Allah on account of which Allah has promised Paradise.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Divorce (Kitab Al-Talaq), Book 009, Number 3572)"
In the following Saying, we see that the woman almost lost her life because her husband thought she disobeyed him!
Abu as-Sa'ib, the freed slaved of Hisham b. Zuhra, said that he visited Abu Sa'id Khudri in his house, (and he further) said: "I found him saying his prayer, so I sat down waiting for him to finish his prayer when I heard a stir in the bundles (of wood) lying in a comer of the house. I looked towards it and found a snake. I jumped up in order to kill it, but he (Abu Sa'id Khudri) made a gesture that I should sit down. So I sat down and as he finished (the prayer) he pointed to a room in the house and said: Do you see this room? I said: Yes. He said: There was a young man amongst us who had been newly wedded. We went with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) (to participate in the Battle) of Trench when a young man in the midday used to seek permission from Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) to return to his family. One day he sought permission from him and Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) (after granting him the permission) said to him: Carry your weapons with you for I fear the tribe of Quraiza (may harm you). The man carried the weapons and then came back and found his wife standing between the two doors. He bent towards her smitten by jealousy and made a dash towards her with a spear in order to stab her. She said: Keep your spear away and enter the house until you see that which has made me come out. He entered and found a big snake coiled on the bedding. He darted with the spear and pierced it and then went out having fixed it in the house, but the snake quivered and attacked him and no one knew which of them died first, the snake or the young man. We came to Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) and made a mention to him and said: Supplicate to Allah that that (man) may be brought back to life. Thereupon he said: Ask forgiveness for your companion and then said: There are in Medina jinns who have accepted Islam, so when you see any one of them, pronounce a warning to it for three days, and if they appear before you after that, then kill it for that is a devil.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book on Salutations and Greetings (Kitab As-Salam), Book 026, Number 5557)"
There are a lot more Sayings that I could provide that prove that the Arab men's jealousy was very dangerous, and needed a Divine Revelation from Allah Almighty to control it.

Can the husband hospitalize his wife from the beating?
Absolutely not!  It is important to know that Allah Almighty clearly prohibits for Muslim men to harm their wives: "...Do not retain them (i.e., your wives) to harm them...(The Noble Quran, 2:231)"  So brutally beating the wives and causing bruises and damages to their bodies is clearly prohibited in Islam.  But Allah Almighty also on the other hand, didn't say to gently tap (i.e., "(lightly)") them when it's time to physically punish them as some Muslim scholars like to make it appear.  No, a Muslim man has to be moderate in his beating by sending the clear message to the disloyal wife, and at the same time by keeping her out of harm's way.
We are also prohibited in Islam by our Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him to get angry and furious:
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle said, 'The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.  (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Good Manners and Form (Al-Adab), Volume 8, Book 73, Number 135)"
Narrated Abu Huraira: "A man said to the Prophet , 'Advise me! 'The Prophet said, 'Do not become angry and furious.' The man asked (the same) again and again, and the Prophet said in each case, 'Do not become angry and furious.'   (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Good Manners and Form (Al-Adab), Volume 8, Book 73, Number 137)"
Abu Huraira reported: "I heard Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: One is not strong because of one's wrestling skillfully. They said: Allah's Messenger, then who is strong? He said: He who controls his anger when he is in a fit of rage.  (Translation of Sahih Muslim, The Book of Virtue, Good Manners and Joining of the Ties of Relationship (Kitab Al-Birr was-Salat-I-wa'l-Adab), Book 032, Number 6314)"
In the above Sayings of our beloved Prophet, we are clearly commanded to not get angry and furious at others.  Physical confrontations with others (including our wives) is to be always remain at the minimum, if not eliminated completely from our selves.   These things are some of the real Muslim's morals and good manners.
Allah Almighty loves those who restrain anger: "Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity, or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon (all) men; for Allah loves those who do good.  (The Noble Quran, 3:134)"
Also, Allah Almighty ordered the Muslim men to approach their wives with care and to always keep Allah Almighty in their mind when they deal with their wives.   "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will; but do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear God. And know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter), and give (these) good tidings to those who believe.(The Noble Quran, 2:223)"
Kindness in Islam is very important.  In Islam, if you are not even kind to your slave, then you must set him free.  Read my article about Slaves treatment in Islam.  Can you imagine the importance of the wife's place?  As shown in the next section below in this article, it is a MUST on men to live in kindness and love with their wives in their daily lives.
Allah Almighty likes men to not seek harming their wives and to live with them in peace, harmony and love:
As I mentioned above:   "....then either retain them [your wives] in kindness if you reconcile, or part with them in kindness.   Do not retain them to harm them so that you transgress limits. He who does this has wronged himself.  (The Noble Quran 2:231)"
"....on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good.  (The Noble Quran, 4:19)" 
Also, the above Sayings of our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him ordering Muslim men not to revile their wives and not to beat them clearly explains the Islamic attitude toward women, that their men must treat them and deal with them with care.
Although Allah Almighty didn't specify a measure on how to beat the wife who's case applies to Noble Verses 4:34-36 above, but mercy in the hearts of men must exist at all time, and they must always fear Allah Almighty and know that they will meet Him someday.
Perhaps the reason why Allah Almighty didn't specify the amount of beating for the wives in Noble Verses 4:34-36 is because we are all different in our physical shapes, sizes, attitudes, etc...  So a set law for the beating would not be fair to for instance those women who are very small in size comparing to those who are large in size.   But He did warn the Muslim men to fear him when dealing with their wives and to know that they will meet him one day and be held accountable for all what they did from good and bad; "Then shall anyone who has done an atom's weight of good, see it!  And anyone who has done an atom's weight of evil, shall see it.   (The Noble Quran, 99:7-8)"

What if the husband does harm his wife very badly?   What punishment would he get?
If the beating was determined to be "too much" or "too extreme", then the man would get flogged, and of course the wife can always seek divorce and be granted that divorce in the Islamic court.  In some cases the excessively abusive husband would get flogged up to 10 stripes, and in some cases up to 40 or even more stripes.  It depends on the situation and the harm done to the wife:
Narrated Abu Burda Al-Ansari: "I heard the Prophet saying, 'Do not flog anyone more than ten stripes except if he is involved in a crime necessitating Allah's legal Punishment.'  (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Punishment of Disbelievers at War with Allah and His Apostle, Volume 8, Book 82, Number 833)"
According to this Saying of our beloved Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, if the man's harm was determined to be in the low end, then his punishment would be getting flogged up to 10 stripes.  If his harm is above the low end, then the Judge would determine the amount of stripes for him to be flogged.
The point however is, Noble Verses 4:34-36 should not be a concern for any Muslim woman, because a good woman should not intentionally disobey her husband in what Allah Almighty has permitted for him upon her and would not flirt with any man from the first place!  So on the third time after the prior 2 warnings, she definitely needs some disciplinary measures be taken against her.

What if the husband flirts with other women?  What can the wife do then?
The wife would then have the right to get divorced from her husband.  The husband would also get flogged up to 10 stripes:
Narrated Abu Burda Al-Ansari: "I heard the Prophet saying, 'Do not flog anyone more than ten stripes except if he is involved in a crime necessitating Allah's legal Punishment.'  (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Punishment of Disbelievers at War with Allah and His Apostle, Volume 8, Book 82, Number 833)"
Narrated 'Abdur-Rahman bin Jabir: "On the authority of others, that the Prophet said, 'No Punishment exceeds the flogging of the ten stripes, except if one is guilty of a crime necessitating a legal punishment prescribed by Allah.'   (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Punishment of Disbelievers at War with Allah and His Apostle, Volume 8, Book 82, Number 832)"
If the husband commits adultery with another woman, then he would get punished severely for it.  Marriage in Islam is something sacred, because it prevents the Muslim from doing sins and it is a great way to settle down with the spouse he/she loves.
Allah Almighty ordered men to love and respect their wives, and He the Almighty honored women and spoke highly of them.  Let us look at the following Noble Verses:
"O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good.  (The Noble Quran, 4:19)" 
"And among God's signs is this: He created for you mates from amongst yourselves (males as mates for females and vice versa) that you might find tranquillity and peace in them. And he has put love and kindness among you. Herein surely are signs for those who reflect. (The Noble Quran 30:21)"  
"And when you men have divorced women, ...then either retain them in kindness if you reconcile, or part with them in kindness. Do not retain them to harm them so that you transgress limits. He who does this has wronged himself. (The Noble Quran 2:231)"
"Women impure for men impure. And women of purity for men of purity. These are not affected by what people say. For them is forgiveness and an honorable provision. (The Noble Quran 24:26)"
"And the believers men and women are friends one of the other, they enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong, and they establish worship and pay the poor due, and they obey God and his messenger. As for these, God will have mercy on them...(The Noble Quran 9:71)"  
"Indeed, men who submit and women who submit, believing men and believing women, and men who obey and women who obey, and truthful men and truthful women, and men who persevere and women who persevere, and men who are humble and women who are humble, and men who give alms and women who give alms, and men who fast and women who fast, and men who guard their chastity and women who guard their chastity, and men who remember God much and women who remember God much. God has prepared for them forgiveness and a great reward. (The Noble Quran 33:35)"  
"And their Lord has heard them and says: 'I don't let the work of any worker be lost be they male or female. You both proceed one from the other..(The Noble Quran 3:195)"
"...Indeed the noblest of you in the sight of God (among men and women and races and nationalities) is the one most responsive to the truth (taqwa). (The Noble Quran 49:13)"

The husband is like a "god" to his wife.   Wives need to always honor and respect their husbands:
It is important to know that according to Islam, the husband should always be honored and respected in his home as if he were "god".  It is important for the wife to realize this fact very well.  Stubborn wives have no place in Islam:
Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab: "The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: A man will not be asked as to why he beat his wife.  (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2142)"
Narrated Qays ibn Sa'd: "I went to al-Hirah and saw them (the people) prostrating themselves before a satrap of theirs, so I said: The Apostle of Allah (peace_be_upon_him) has most right to have prostration made before him. When I came to the Prophet (peace_be_upon_him), I said: I went to al-Hirah and saw them prostrating themselves before a satrap of theirs, but you have most right, Apostle of Allah, to have (people) prostrating themselves before you. He said: Tell me , if you were to pass my grave, would you prostrate yourself before it? I said: No. He then said: Do not do so. If I were to command anyone to make prostration before another I would command women to prostrate themselves before their husbands, because of the special right over them given to husbands by Allah.  (Translation of Sunan Abu-Dawud, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), Book 11, Number 2135)"
Important Note:  Some Muslims do not believe in the Sayings or narrations from Sunan Abu-Dawud or any other volumes that are not "Sahih" volumes.  In general, Sayings of our Prophet's companions and wives narrated in "Sunan Abu Dawud" are indeed authentic.  Also, Sayings from Sunan Abu Dawud that agree with Sayings that in any of the Sahih volumes are also authentic.  But Sayings from other people who were not close companions of the Prophet are doubtful.  The only volumes that had been double and triple checked and are absolutely authentic to the Muslims are the "Sahih" volumes.  With "Sunan Abu Dawud" we have to be extra careful, for it contains truthful and untruthful narrations about our Prophet peace be upon him.
In the above two Sayings of our beloved Prophet peace be upon him, we see that Allah Almighty blames the wife for the husband's third anger (this is the time where he is suppose to beat her according to Noble Verse 4:34 above) and Will not ask him as to why he got angry and beat his wife.  The wife is responsible for pleasing her husband and making sure that he is always satisfied.  It is her Islamic duty!
But beating wives anytime the husbands wish is strictly prohibited in Islam as we've clearly seen in the above Sayings of our Prophet peace be upon him in the "What was the purpose of the Noble Verse 4:34-35 above?" section above.
It is also important for the wives to know that according to Islam, their husbands are like their "gods".  If bowing down to other than Allah Almighty in worship was not prohibited in Islam, Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him would've ordered the women to bow down to their husbands.
This is important to know because the husband is to always be pleased by his wife and to always be treated as the real man of the house and to always be honored, praised, glorified and respected as if he were "god".
If the husband, however, is an abusive one or a very disrespectful one, then Allah Almighty orders the husband and the wife to seek "peaceful" means to resolve their problem, or otherwise, they must divorce in peace as clearly explained in the "What if my wife is stubborn and she intimidates me to either beat her or divorce her when she is angry?" section above.

Conclusion:
Islam does not allow men to beat their wives at anytime they want and as much as they want as the Anti-Islamics claim with their lies.  The only time Islam allows a husband to beat his wife is when she intentionally disobeys her husband in what Allah Almighty has permitted for him upon her or when when she flirts or show disloyalty for the third time. This law prevents men from doing something crazy such as committing murders against their wives.  This law also allows women to repent and to come back to their faith and senses, and it prevents men from bothering their wives with their wives bad past.  Once the wife repents and stops dishonoring her husband, then it would be all water under the bridge and it would become a forgotten past from both the husband and the wife.  Therefore, the Noble Verse 4:34 is a merciful verse on women and not a harsh one.
And Allah Almighty knows best, and may He forgive me if I made any mistake here.

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